WARNING: Graphic language.
After awaking from a restless sleep in the Presidential Bedroom, a disoriented and lightly perspiring President Barack Obama informed reporters early Tuesday morning that he had just had that weird sex dream about the entire nation again.
“Whoa, that was intense,” said Obama, recounting his recent dream in which he once again found himself participating in a frenzied bout of sexual intercourse with all 313 million Americans. “It started out like it normally does, with me walking through the Rose Garden until I come across my junior high school teacher Miss Thornton. She starts to take off her shirt, but before you know it, we’ve been joined by every American citizen from all 50 United States and they’re all taking off their clothes.”
“It’s like the third time I’ve had this dream in the last month,” he continued. Continue reading
“and as he promised that I could keep my health insurance and my Doctor, wahl, wahl, wahl – it all turned out to be a big whopper!”
In an effort to win back the hearts of the American People, the White House today announced its support of the new ObamaCar program.
“Too many Americans are driving substandard cars,” said White House Spokesperson Jay Carney during today’s press briefing. “In fact, there are a lot of Americans who don’t even have cars. That is why the President, by executive order, has initiated the ObamaCar Program.”
The new program will see that all Americans, regardless of age, place of residence, or occupation will be required to purchase a vehicle suitable to meet the standards mandated by ObamaCar.
However, Carney was quick to point out that this did not mean that anyone would be forced to give up their favorite ride. Continue reading
The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable Boat Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat by April, 2014.
These ‘affordable’ boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance, or repair costs.
This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ boat of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ life jackets (does not include monthly usage fees). Continue reading
Democratic strategist James Carville is a bomb thrower. Usually, his targets are the opposition. But Carville’s “joke” that he uttered on Morning Joe – that President Obama should take a page from Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s playbook and be seen with a crack pipe – might be the weirdest piece of advice he’s ever given – even in jest.
“I think the best thing he can do is take a toke on the mayor of Toronto’s crack pipe, because his numbers are about 48,” Carville joked on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe,” referring to Rob Ford, who has admitted smoking crack. Continue reading
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a local ObamaCare medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.” Continue reading
Using Saul Alinsky tactics, Tennessee state senator Brian Kelsey (R) presented the invaluable book “Websites for Dummies” to Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius at an event in Memphis sponsored by Rep Stephen Cohen (D-Tennessee).
She did not look pleased with her gift.
I predict “Web Sites for Dummies” will be an Amazon top 100 choice by the end of today. Continue reading
Yo, Osh… dis one ain’t satire…
In a headline that seemed to be ripped from the Onion, CNN Money reported today about a “Healthy Ho’s” party held in San Francisco in order to encourage sex workers to enroll in Obamacare.
From CNN Money:
The risqué performance was part of an Obamacare registration drive last week in San Francisco, dubbed the “Healthy Ho’s Party.”
Organized by “Siouxsie Q,” a Bay Area sex worker, the event was meant to encourage other sex workers to enroll in the new insurance exchanges. It was a rousing success: Nearly 40 men and women attended and almost all of them filed enrollment paperwork.
Literally a million questions are running through my head. First and foremost, how does a sex worker submit to income verification? Is prostitution suddenly not illegal in California? How on earth were 40 people able to enroll in Obamacare at one time? Continue reading
Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, “Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency.”
His wife yelled back, “Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast!“
Powered by Max Banner Ads