Kaliher: Instructions For Socialist Followers
Hey, Pc Lib: There Is Normal And Normalcy
By William Kaliher
Note to readers: To date, the lobotomized population is the only group surveyed that does not find Kaliher's articles more accurate than socialist media propaganda. Lobectomy
patients are split fifty-fifty in rating the accuracy of Kaliher versus the dominate media.
Liberal, I continue my rewarding work in teaching you about the language you speak. No doubt, you've learned much about English, the rights afforded by the Constitution and the meaning of the word "America" from my earlier compassionate linguistic work. Today we're going to delve into the -- for the liberal, difficult -- concepts involved with the word "normal." You may find this work stressful. Please give me the same pass you give to a black or white liberal that says "nigger." Pretend for a few moments I'm a white liberal saying these things. Perhaps in that manner you can tolerate this lesson without breaking out in a rash or sobbing hysterically.
My darling liberal friend, I'm not certain how you make it through life in your confused state. I'm certain dope usage makes the world seem more normal. Damn, there's that word again and I haven't even begun the explanation. Because I'm a truly empathetic and caring conservative, I'll keep this simple. Pretend I have my arm around your shoulder in a spirit of comradeship. There, now that you feel safe and secure we'll begin.
1. Two Legs: Liberal, this is normal. Look around. Notice the population in your city and study pictures of people from other countries. We conservatives are blessed and can quickly determine the normal state of mankind involves having two limbs, referred to as legs. Now liberal, that doesn't mean all people have two legs. There are people born lacking one leg and sometimes without two legs. There are people who sometimes lose one or both of their lower extremities from accidents or disease.
Now stay with me here liberal, I'm snuggling you tightly against my breast. You're secure. Now, it doesn't mean the people lacking one or two legs are bad or evil. It doesn't mean anyone should throw rocks at them or say anything negative about them. All this means is, these individuals are somewhat different than the majority of the worlds population. It means that, pertaining to legs, they are not normal.
Liberal Exercise Number 1: Liberal, I've slowly walked you through this first encounter with your new word "normal" and it's time for you to work through a few examples on your own. Everybody on earth should have two eyes, two arms, two ears, two hands, two feet and two nostrils. Firm yourself up and work through each set using the fill-in-the-blank method while constantly repeating: "They're not normal if they lack _____, but they're okay, and I'm okay for saying they're not normal."
Advanced Liberal Exercise Number 1: People also have one of each of the following: nose, penis or vagina, neck, forehead and brain. Believe it or not, lacking one of these body parts or having two of them makes the person less than normal. Tip, lacking certain of these body parts would mean death. Be brave, make your own fill in the blank exercise involving those body parts we normally have singularly.
Advanced Bonus Liberal Exercise Number 1: Look at the picture of your hero Henry Waxman on your wall. If you're not at home, examine the picture of him in your wallet. Now think about the noses you've noticed while studying the world's population to determine what normal body parts are and focus on Mr. Waxman's nostrils. Repeat the word "abnormal."
2. White Skin: I'm holding you extra close now liberal. Brace up. I realize you hate your pigmentation, and this is a lot to spring on you at your second exercise concerning normalcy. I've got you close, you're okay, and if you're a half good-looking female of the none feminist sort, I'm brushing slightly against your tush. Don't worry I'm normal, or heterosexual, but that's a normalcy we'll deal with later. Don't focus on that aspect of our warmness now, just pretend I'm some dude you got high with that's telling you I'm worried about the whales, and you're getting the urge to take your panties off. There that's good, now everything is all warm and fuzzy again.
Now as we did in Liberal Exercise Number 1: We'll examine the population in your town and other countries. You've probably noticed most people in the United States have white skin just like yours. Brace up, it's okay. You also noticed there were people of other colors. There were Negroes, Asians, Mexican-Americans, Indians, (Oh excuse me, let me translate that for you, Native Americans) that had other colors or shades.
It's okay, quit shaking. I've got you, am squeezing tight again, especially if you're female and still half stimulated from caring about the whales.
Repeat the following sixty-three times, "It's okay that my skin is white. It's normal in the United States to have white skin. It doesn't indicate I'm evil. It only indicates I'm normal."
Advanced Liberal Exercise Number 2: Study the pictures of the people in Africa south of the Sahara. Great job, I'm steadying you. Repeat the following, "It's normal to have black skin in southern Africa. It's the normal situation there. If I were there, my skin color would be considered abnormal. However, it would not make me evil or less politically correct than I am now.
* Those liberals needing more instruction on "normal" and "normalcy" can order exercises 3 and 4 through Ether Zone for only $395.00, or $600.00 in food stamps.
* The entire twenty-four part series on tape can be obtained for only $9,044. 67. Food stamps or the equivalent in free cheese can not be exchanged for the cassette offer.
* Additionally, any American University or College can take advantage of our group rates. For $150,000 and travel expenses, Bill Kaliher and the publisher of Ether Zone, will provide a one day seminar and sing the entire twenty-four exercises to the students assembled in the football stadium or other large auditorium. This is an eight-hour presentation with time for a two hour lunch break.
Further discounts of fifteen percent on the above low-price offers can be obtained for the following:
1. Any Hispanic, whatever the hell that is, that can produce documentation his ancestors were born in a country called Hispania.
2. Any five hundred year old documentation that when Columbus landed in the New World he shouted, "Holy Shit, look at all the Native Americans!"
3. Photographs of the glaciers covering Saudi Arabia, based on the great liberal scientist Carl Sagan's prediction burning Kuwaiti oil fields would bring on the next ice age.
4. A NOW (Not Our Wombs) member that is normal. Oops, this offer must be withdrawn until the liberal mind fully comprehends the ramifications of "normal."
5. Proof that viewing pornography improved someone's life financially or morally.
6. Proof of a single improvement in the quality of life, culture or economics for the average citizen since the end of white rule in South Africa.
7. Proof that Bill Clinton is not a rapist.
8. Proof that frying a convicted murderer doesn't prevent him from killing someone else.
In summary, as a politically correct liberal we can say homosexuality, criminality, sex with children, having four toes, sex with chickens, living naked or being in love with a significant other that happens to be a jump rope isn't normal. Oh, golly, I feel you shaking. Steady now, I've got you tight -- and if you're that nice looking female, hold on. I have more to tell you concerning my deep feelings and concern for the whales in a little bit. In the meantime keep repeating: They're not normal but they may be okay. In fact, they are okay and I'm okay. Hey, we're all okay, we just ain't all normal.
Bonus thesis: Wooden telephone poles should be straight.
1. All wooden telephone poles deviate a bit from being totally straight.
2. Deviant telephone poles are not bad or evil.
3. It's okay for me to refer to some telephone poles as deviant.
4. Deviant or different telephone poles are okay.
Numbers 5, 6 and 7 are especially important to study, understand and commit to memory.
5. The more a wooden telephone pole is out of line, the more deviant, less than normal or abnormal it is.
6. The straighter the telephone pole is the more normal it is.
7. There is no law or legality that requires one to like a deviant telephone pole or anything else.
William Kaliher is a free-lance political columnist and a staff writer for the Ether Zone.
" Published originally at EtherZone.com: republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact."
E-Mail William Kaliher