Once in awhile when I complete a column (of course I hadn’t posted one of my own since early in the year) I’ll send it out to a select few people – you know they type – the ones who CARE about America – the ones who COUNT – the ones who GIVE A SHIT!?!?!?
So the day goes on and I hear from Granny (#1), Biesada (the ONLY one), Ewart (who gets fed up from time to time as well) and finally – Ross. You remember Ross don’t you? He’s the intellectual, who idolizes and reads the likes of Tommy Jefferson (who helped move an entire nation on up), little Jimmy Madison, Slammin’ Sammy Adams, and the other guy who had been to Franklin. Then there was the joint smokin’ dude from the Mount Vernon Country Club and his buddy who got killed – you know – the cat on the $10 bill – Hamilton Beach. He has read and studied the words of P. Henry (no relation to ‘O’) – and a whole bunch of those founding Muthas!
Nice history lesson Huh?? Gotcha hooked now, don’t I? Ya see – that’s how you have to do it in this nation today – you’ve got to bastardize it. Juice it up somehow. That’s how you get their attention. When I was in New Yawk some years ago ago visiting Zappa’s #1 fan – Brutha Smoove – I visited an old church (then an antique shop), where (as rumor has it) Benedict Weiner was visiting, while in was in the ‘hood, banging George’s wife Martha… oh well…. I’m getting off the track here.
So, in response to yesterday’s column, I get this email from Neal… and in it he says, “Dammit, I wish you hadn’t sent this. It gave me an idea for something to write. I’m never gonna get to work on that book if I keep getting motivated to write shorter articles. Guess I will just have to figure out a way to manage my time better.”
To which I respond, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s how I suck you back in. Not really – I started to write that a week ago and your writings gave me the impetus to complete it.”
And he comes back with. “I took that to work today and some people told me that you sounded, and I quote, extremely pissed off. You wanna know what I told them? I said that you only put to paper the things I have been keeping to myself, that I felt the same way, that the majority of Americans are absolute idiots. Didn’t go over too well when I said it but it sure felt good.”
My turn again, “Eff-’em – they’ll be more of that where it came from. I look at the work currently being posted, and few give a shit – fewer comments each week. Whassamatter? Is it all too deep for the average jerk? Does it go too far over their heads. Do they give a damn about the cost of the illegal invasion – OOPS – sorry – I forgot that this is what you probably work with. This has to piss off your wife, which from what I can figure out – probably did it the right way. “Gimme that FREE sheet from Estados JewNeedUs!”
In the words of The Who, in the rock opera Tommy, “Feel me, touch me, feel me-ee-ee” Oh hell, go ahead, grope me, eat me, blow me….
Then finally Neal comes back with, “I think it IS too deep for some of them. I hear that all the time at work, how do you understand all this? I already know the answer, but are people really that stupid that they can’t understand simple English? Like you said, Eff-em…”
Well, I guess that Neal and I figured it all out tonight all by ourselves. Didn’t need the help of – well, the average dumb, underFEDucated American’t!
We’ll see what the ‘morrow brings! Betcha Neal won’t take this one to the office!
As for the vulgarity – I know – it has no class – and neither do most Americans, but they might understand this column – you know – foul language and all – IF they can only spell, double you, double you. double you, dot, F-E-D-E-R-A-L O-B-S-E-R-V-E-R, dot, com.
Forget about seeing you at Sundown – I’m headed for the bar and a Tequila Sunrise – it’s time to kick some azzzzzz!!!!!
Without Apology I am,