Welcome to Heaven, Osama. The Americans finally got you, I see. Now don’t get anxious. We’ll discuss your ruby palace, 72 virgins, and 80,000 servants after we’ve reviewed your life. I know, a martyr like you shouldn’t have to justify his past life, but let’s talk a bit. You went to Afghanistan to fight the Soviet infidels, and we’re grateful, but you don’t skate free with one or two good deeds. What did you do after that?

Quit mumbling. Your record is here somewhere. Ah, here it is. Okay, open the curtain. Your 9/11 attack wasn’t the only horrific plot you hatched. You see those Kenyans? You and your cohorts murdered them. When you bombed the U. S. Embassy in Kenya, you murdered 12 innocent American workers, but you also murdered more than 200 innocent Kenyans and wounded 5,000 more. Tens of thousands of families remain devastated by the attack. You knew beforehand that the civilian casualties would be high, and innocent women, children, and elderly people would be killed.

What do you mean, collateral damage? You murdered hundreds of innocent people to kill a few of those you call enemies. You think it was okay because they were expendable nonbelievers? Most were Christians. And they were innocent. What do you think that did for Islam’s reputation in Africa and around the world?
Let’s move on. Okay, do you recognize any of those Africans? No, of course you don’t. They’re Somalis, and they’re alive because America and its allies—not you and your cohorts—mounted a massive airlift and took action to feed starving Muslims in Somalia. Where were you? You sure weren’t feeding them. You were too busy instigating attacks against those saviors of the starving Somalis. I know, after Americans fed the people, Bill Clinton tried to force a legacy on the cheap by ordering troops to “nation build.” He was stupid, but what kind of nation would you have built? Don’t tell me; we know already.

Let’s continue. Do you recognize those hundreds of thousands of people? Of course, you don’t. They’re Muslims in Kosovo. They waited in vain for you and your fellow Arabs to come to their rescue, but you abandoned them. You hid in caves hundreds of miles away and planned your evil attack on innocent civilians in America. Americans saved the Muslims in Kosovo.

You also weren’t there when the Americans and their allies saved the Muslims in Bosnia, were you? You were in Afghanistan helping give the world a true Islamic society. You almost succeeded. You should have known that Americans would retaliate after your evil attack on 9/11 and drive out your Taliban buddies. You miscalculated that Americans wouldn’t be that tough, that they’d simply launch a few missiles, and that‘d be all. So you have another legacy, the destruction of a true Islamic nation, whatever that‘s worth.

You call Americans and Europeans Crusaders. The Crusades took place more than seven hundred years ago. Get over it, Osama. That was then, this is now. Today’s American military, with minimal help from the Europeans, did your job for you and your cohorts and saved the people of Somalia, Kosovo, Bosnia, and elsewhere, while your evil deeds have been documented in a rap sheet stretching back two decades.

Okay, let’s go on. You see those people? They’re the billion or so Muslims in the world today. What have you done for them lately? Don’t give me that martyr stuff. At one time, the other five billion people of the world could almost believe that Islam was a religion of peace. Since you and your cohorts arrived on the scene, most of those five billion people are now convinced that Islam is a violent religion, that its followers overwhelmingly support people like you who send youthful suicidal maniacs to kill innocent people. You’ve helped destroy Islam in the eyes of the world. The only ones who convert to Islam now are Christians forced under penalty of death in places like Sudan and Indonesia, weirdoes who don‘t have a life, criminals and inmates, mixed-up brats and assorted sociopaths.

I know, your Islamist buddies love you, but that brings up another question. Your buddies and followers look like scumbags. Couldn’t you find anyone who looks and acts just a little civilized?

What other evil hath thou wrought, Osama? Maladjusted Muslim youths regard you as an Islamist saint. Muslims claim they’re humble and peaceful, but you’ve energized youngsters toward violence and evil rather than toward hard work and study so Muslims might someday catch up with the rest of the civilized world.
What do you mean, they don’t have to be intelligent or civilized because they can conquer the world through terror and bloodshed? That attitude led to another Arab downfall. After Mohammed died, Arabs pulled ahead of Europeans for a while, and then plunged into a permanent decline. And people like you perpetuated that decline. Rather than working toward a positive ideal, you worked toward a negative one. You inspired others to follow you and throw their lives away on evil.

Okay, you’re weary and want to know where your palace is so you can begin enjoying the fruits of your labors on Earth. Well, you’re assigned over there, behind that big golden door. Go ahead and enter it. I know what the sign says: DOORWAY TO HELL AND OBLIVION. You’re not welcome here, Osama. This is Christian Heaven. You wouldn’t be welcome here even if you were a Christian. I know, you’d be a martyr elsewhere, enjoying virgins and all that, but this is the only paradise available. Enjoy eternity down there with your cohorts and the other mass murderers and criminals of history. And say hello to Hitler and Stalin for me. Bye, bye.

May 8, 2011

~ About the Author ~
Allan C. Stover has been published in numerous magazines and journals. His first book was honored by the National Science Teachers Association. His second book was republished in Mandarin for mainland China. He has worked abroad twenty years in Asia, Europe, South America, and the Middle East; survived a terrorist attack in Sri Lanka; went behind the Iron Curtain into Communist East Germany; and lived in the Philippines while President Marcos seized power and established a dictatorship. You may E-mail him at acstover@yahoo.com