A Satire by Neal Ross

When I am at work, the job I do does not really require a great deal of thought. My mind, therefore, is often free to ponder upon all manner of things. Often I spend much of my time coming up with new ideas for articles. Today was no different, until suddenly I had an epiphany, ( a sudden intuitive leap of understanding) . It was as if a thousand watt light bulb suddenly went on in my head, and I realized that I have been wrong about almost everything.

It was one of those rare moments you hear about, when time seemed to stand still, and with a sudden clarity I realized that it is not the people to whom I address my articles that are misguided, it is me. I am the one who is all screwed up.

I must be damaged goods, there has to be some crossed wiring in my cerebral cortex which causes my thoughts to short circuit. Then again it could be that my brain just isn’t firing on all 8 cylinders. Whatever the case may be, I finally realized that there is something terribly wrong with me.

So, after coming to that realization I have concluded that I must be mentally disturbed. That is the only way to explain why my way of thinking about things is so radically different from almost everyone else. Think about it, I must be completely off my rocker to believe that when someone makes a promise, gives you their word, or takes an oath, that they should actually be expected to live up to it?

It’s absolutely ridiculous that I should have believed that some silly old piece of parchment, which defines the function of government, should be allowed to get in their way, and prevent from doing whatever they damn well please.

I must have a real perverted sense of morality. For some strange reason I believe that when a man stands before the alter of God and swears to love and cherish another woman till death do them part, that they should remain faithful to those vows.

Why should I think that since I don’t bounce checks, live within a budget, have no outstanding debt, and have even put some money away for a rainy day, that I am more capable of handling my own my money than a bunch of politicians who cannot seem to balance a federal budget and have run up a $13 trillion national debt.

I should be locked up in a padded cell because I feel that since I am the one who works hard for my money that I alone should be allowed to keep it, instead of handing it over to the government to give out to anyone less fortunate than I.

I don’t know what it is that causes me to think that, instead of dialing 911 and cowering in a corner until the police come, that I instead should take personal responsibility for protecting my home, and my family from criminals. I must really be a complete sociopath since I feel that I have the right to wallpaper my living room with the brains of anyone who might suddenly get the urge to enter my home, steal my property, rape my wife, and possibly kill my entire family.

Am I so devoid of emotions that I feel absolutely no sympathy for anyone who does not apply themselves in school, becomes addicted to drugs, or anyone else for that matter who believes it is my civic duty to provide a portion of my income for their sustenance?

On top of all these other faults I must also be the most unpatriotic person in this country. After all, I care nothing at all about sports, American Idol, or the fact that another Hollywood celebrity ended up in rehab, or got divorced.

I must be the most pathetic person in the whole country because I do little else but read about a bunch of dead guys who believed in silly ideas like individual rights, liberty, and limited government.

I wish to apologize to all those who people who I have offended because of my ignorance, my lack of sympathy, and my lack of concern over your comfort, I admit it, I am an asshole, and I was wrong. Can you ever forgive me?

~ The Author ~
Neal Ross can be reached for comments at bonsai@syix.com. Visit Neal’s Blog at http://www.zombie-slayer.com/neal